NVC: Nonviolent Communication:

Transcript of 2-day Advanced Intensive

—Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

October 20, 2000
Bainbridge Commons
Bainbridge Island, Washington, USA

The following is a slightly edited transcript of an NVC training Marshall Rosenberg led on Bainbridge Island, Washington, USA, October 20-21, 2000. We are grateful to Lin Rose for transcribing this training. Please note that Marshall sometimes uses Giraffe and Jackal as metaphors for Nonviolent Communication and life-alienated thinking and speaking, respectively. Note: CNVC’s use of the image and term “Giraffe” is in no way connected to The Giraffe Project, a completely separate organization producing its own training and educational materials.

Day One | Go to Day Two

TWO KINDS OF CELEBRATIONS TO HELP US ENJOY LIFE MORE

 

There are two kinds of celebrations to be conscious of to help us to enjoy life more.

1. celebration of what we did that felt good
2. celebration of what we did that brought us pain

They underscore the enormous power that each of us has to act in a way that makes life wonderful. It’s endless and enormous, this power we have. And the way I remember it is to stop and do what we just did, express gratitude. [Marshall opened the workshop with the following exercise.]

GRATITUDE EXERCISE: I’d like each of us to celebrate the beauty of how we have spent our "dash" so far. [Here, Marshall read a poem, the dash is what will be on our tombstone between the dates designating our birth and death.]

Briefly choose an instance from your life that you want to celebrate, then write:

•  
  • What did I do,
  • How do I feel now when I think about it, and
  • What need was met by my having done that?

First, I asked you to celebrate in relation to something you had done.

I also like to be conscious of what others have done to enrich life and then celebrate that. Because the more I remember this, the more I can put this in a perspective I like. Reading the newspapers, I don’t like the perspective of what we’re like as human beings. It’s important to me to remember these things, the awesome power we have. But to believe that, I have to make it real by attributing it to specific actions, the things we can do. Offer someone a ride, for instance, as one of the workshop participants said in her example.

The first celebration was to celebrate the beauty of how we have spent our "dash" so far.

The other kind of celebration I like is to celebrate "mucking up." I like to celebrate it in this way, I use my muckups to learn from. It’s possible to re-interpret everything I don’t like in this "dash." I want to celebrate my muckups as an opportunity to increase my enjoyment of the dash. Everything I’m not too happy about I can use as an opportunity to choose to make things different.

MUCKING UP EXERCISE: So identify something going on that you don’t like between you and another person, the way you’re living your dash. Write down 2-3 lines of dialogue that shows what you don’t like that’s going on, what they say and your response that you’re not enjoying.

Remember to give empathy first to establish connection, then give your message,
e.g., "You’d be more willing to do this if you could do it when you=91re ready and not when you’re under pressure, is that right?"

Practice the way you’d like to respond differently, then empathize with yourself. What kept you from doing that? This is how you celebrate the muckups. You learn without hating yourself.

Remember that whatever anyone does, it is an effort to meet a need. Think of another way that might have gotten closer to meeting the need on a more successful or heartfelt level.

SILENCE.

Silence is when we don’t say what we’re feeling and needing. Others have pain when we don’t express what we have inside. Say, "I’d like to think you’d like the meeting that I do. When you don’t respond, I stand there feeling bare and lonely." Marshall sang his partner’s song about "I’ve said the first thing for the last time."

Question: What about when people don’t want to hear our feelings and needs?

Marshall: The more you try to prevent people from freaking out when you speak, the more you become a nice, dead person.

Put your attention first on whether what you say is in harmony with how you choose to communicate, whether it is in harmony with your integrity, and then learn to enjoy the way the other person reacts.

With Giraffe ears, you don’t hear what they "don’t" want. You try to hear the need behind the "don’t want," or the silence. If you hear that silence is actually their need, then you can hear that silently.

 

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

THE OTHER PERSON’S REACTION.

Just remember that we never have to fear the other person’s reaction. When you think the other person’s reaction might be a problem, you’re putting your security into the other person’s hands. How the other person might respond doesn’t matter. Our only job is to make sure we keep our Giraffe ears on.

It’s our reaction to their reaction that we have to fear. It’s when you interpret No as rejection, then the problem is not in the response but in how you receive it. So if you open up and express your needs and the other person says whatever, it’s what we hear that determines what happens, not the person’s reaction.

If you have an image of someone cutting off a relationship, it’s the cutting off that will lead to your suffering. If you see the action as their need being expressed, then the message is within them, not you. Any interpretation you put onto another person’s message (such as passive-aggressive, withholding, etc.), you will pay for because of how you took it.

Not getting our needs fulfilled is painful — but it’s a sweet pain, not suffering, which is what comes from life-alienated thinking and interpretation.

Some of the words from Marshall’s song at that moment went like this,"I sure hate to see all the power that I give away, letting whether I care for myself depend on what you say. I wish I could remember there’s something of worth in me when the depths of myself shows through, and you say no to what you see." Instead, hear the needs behind the No that someone gives.

Imagine that I’m someone that you want to be around. I say, "If you want to do something to please me, I’d like to see your south side going north" — i.e., I need some space, time to myself. If your attention is on the need, you will be living in a different world than if you hear a rejection.

There is a lot of beating up going on around the world, so I’ve had a lot of experience. At the least, teaching a woman to have a Giraffe response to having been beaten up requires that she learn not to take responsibility and think she somehow deserved it. There’s evidence that when children and wives can be trained to give empathy, there is less chance of getting hurt. Of course, it would be better to be working with the men. The middle stage of this learning is when the person gets obnoxious, it’s when they say "that’s your problem, not mine." That’s cause for celebration because at least the person no longer feels responsible and isn’t being an emotional slave or having to deny her feelings and needs.

The goal, however, is to get to Giraffe. Guilt is such a prevalent form of power over people, so empathic listening must come first, the education for other options to deal with the situation. We can’t get rid of our Jackal images (nor should we), but we can go into them and transform them into a life-serving type of energy, empathize with ourselves for the need that isn’t getting met. Then we can hear the other person’s situation.

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

It’s dangerous to learn how to empathize if we don’t also know how to scream in Giraffe — i.e., we need to hold onto our needs and not do anything for others until we’ve learned how to get our own needs met. Women have been so educated to meet other people’s needs, that learning to empathize can be dangerous if we don’t have the other piece.

There’s a big difference between Self-full, selfish, and self-less (i.e., being virtuous according to the Jackal world ideal means having no needs). Anything you give that isn’t for totally Self-full reasons, the other person will pay for, all that loving care will cost the other person if it’s not given from a Self-full place.

This entails never doing things for others, only things to meet our own needs.

One of our most precious and fun needs is to contribute to and enrich life. There’s nothing we enjoy more than that kind of giving. The other person will not have to pay for that. We’re not doing that for them, but for ourselves. So how you feel about giving is your first clue, don’t give with guilt, resentment, etc.

Question: Someone in the group brought up a work situation. She’s a nursing supervisor who is upset because in an emergency situation, a nurse didn’t do something she was told to do.

Put yourself in the person’s shoes. Look inside and see what’s keeping me from doing X, since I share your need of having the thing done. Part of what I hear is an order, which threatens my need for autonomy. You sound like you’re making a sales pitch to show me how I should do it. I see you as having single mindedness of purpose. It’s like I’m supposed to jump and do what you want. I’m torn, part of me wants to do it, but it goes very deep in me when I hear anything that sounds like an order. What would help? First, if you would say "are you willing to," and next if you give me empathy in a way that I can tell you have no expectation that I have to do it as an order, and also that you give me empathy about why I have trouble doing it. (Marshall told a story about nurses who didn’t feel respected as equals during non-emergency times and so would "forget" and not do important life-support procedures.) In a Giraffe institution, the head nurse job would be to serve the nurses, not to control them. Teachers are there to serve the students, not control them.

Universities are some of the worst Jackal institutions. Marshall told a story about research being done on the effects of punishment on learning. Students pushed buttons to give increasingly strong electrical shocks to someone in an adjacent room that could be seen through a window. They didn’t know the person was an actor. A frighteningly large percentage of the students kept pressing the increasingly strong shock buttons even though the person in the electric chair was in tears, suffering, even getting fatally electrocuted, according to the label on the button saying the charge had the potential to kill the person. When asked why they did that, they said, "Because I was told it was part of the research. That’s what they wanted me to do."

It’s a matter of indoctrination instead of education. Otherwise the student picks their own subjects because that’s what is life serving, there are no grades, rewards, punishments.

Never give power to authority to tell you what’s right,not for one second. ONLY hear needs and feelings. "You have to get this done tomorrow." Why? Because you said so?

I refused to give grades in my classes. I told the furious department head that those who didn’t get "good" grades wouldn’t get "good" jobs, which meant their only other option was the military and being sent off to get killed in Vietnam. Is that what she wanted? The university didn’t fire me for that, anyway.

Question: What did they fire you for?

Marshall: They fired me for (among other reasons) bringing in street gang members to educate students why they weren’t happy with present education and why they were burning schools. Students said it was some of their most productive learning.

I learned to like being independently poor rather than work only for money in a domination structure. You’d be better off scavenging through garbage cans for supper that night. It takes too much out of us to do any work for money.

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

We often mistake an adrenaline rush as an indication of being alive. But really we’re only alive when we’re connected to needs. We’re not in the world of human beings if we’re in the smoke and noise of a Jackal show of Jackalish judgments.

So when you hear "you never," then enjoy the Jackal show. It’s suicidal to tell myself I shouldn’t be thinking this Jackal judgment. It destroys my body and spirit to Jackal myself by telling myself that I shouldn’t be Jackaling myself.

GIVING EMPATHY TO OURSELVES OR OTHERS — essential elements:

1. ESTABLISH CONNECTION by giving empathy

EXAMPLE — Hearing the need behind anger.

• Giving myself empathy: When I recognize I’ve got anger, then I realize it’s because I have a need that’s not being met (I do this silently inside my head), and I drop the anger because I know it’s really that I’m sad.

• Giving someone else empathy: Reflect back what you hear. So I can say to my partner, "It sounds like you’re unsatisfied because you need to get yourself understood." (Part of the enjoyment of the Jackal response is saying inside "you have your head so far up your ass you’d need a cellophane navel to see outside." Now I can laugh and be empathetic to my partner.)

Get it all out. Then I say "Is that everything? Do you need to say more?"

1. REVEAL YOURSELF

• Set up guidelines. When the person indicates that they’re finished, then you say, "Well, I’d like to say some things, but would you be willing to stop me if at any moment you hear a criticism?"

• State your feelings. Then you say, for example, "first, I’m sometime s scared that I’ll never be able to meet your needs for understanding.

• Ask for reflection back. Would you tell me what you heard me say?" They give their interpretation.

• Give acknowledgment/gratitude for response. You say, "Thank you." I may have been thinking "that’s not what I said, etc", but they did what I asked — they told me what they think I said, so I said thank you, for doing what I asked.

• Re-state your feeling. Then you continue, "I’d like you to hear me differently. I’d like you to hear my need and my fear."

• Ask for reflection back.

TIMEOUT. If your inner Jackal is starting to rage around because they’re staying in their Jackal beyond your ability to stay in empathic mode, it’s OK to ask for a timeout, "Timeout! You’re not going to like anything I say from here. I need to do some work on myself before we can continue."

SCREAM IN GIRAFFE. Or if they started saying, "Well, if you would only,.," then I can say, "excuse me, excuse me. I’d be grateful if you can hold off giving me advice before I finish telling you what I want you to know."

• Address their interpretations — make sure they didn’t hear a criticism or a demand.
  Keep being sure I’m connected to life before I open my mouth and let out the Jackal feelings/interpretations/response that’s in my mind.

"So you have a need to be in charge of how you communicate? How can I make a request in a way that you won’t hear as trying to control you?" (as a criticism? a demand?)

"So you’re feeling hurt right now? You want to be accepted for who you are. I have the same need. I’m trying to tell you that. Can you tell me if you heard something different from that?"

"I’d like my request to be heard without your hearing a demand, an attempt to control you. Otherwise, I have two choices — not to express myself or have you say I’m trying to control you. How do you feel when I tell you this?"

See? We’re starting to connect now. See how easy it is? [Laughter] Can you see why I decided to be a hermit? Just get yourself some puppets. Don’t fool around with human beings!

1. AVOID FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS

First, connect at the heart level. In the dialogue, I tried to stay away from solutions. Once we’re connected at the heart level, then solutions will follow.

Reveal yourself. Never ask people what they feel until you have first revealed your own needs and feelings behind the request. Don’t just make the request "what do you feel?" First, make clear what is alive in me behind the question I’m about to ask. Either guess what the person is feeling, or say what I’m feeling and needing, which leads them to tell me what they’re feeling and needing.

Fear. If you have some fear about what their silence means for example, remember that any unexpressed feeling on your part will be interpreted as and be responded to with aggression.

2. KEEP YOUR GIRAFFE EARS ON

I try never to hear what another person thinks of me. I enjoy life a lot more when I spend as little time as possible hearing or thinking about what other people think about me. I go to the needs behind the thoughts. Then I’m in a different world.

In years past, I realized I was thinking in a certain way whenever I was angry and depressed. I realized that feelings of anger and depression were only expressions of distorted awareness resulting from my thinking, instead of a clear awareness of my feelings and needs. I decided I’d rather be in a world of my choosing than in one of anger and depression. So I practiced being conscious whenever that was going on and translating the anger and depression into my needs and feelings.

GETTING BEYOND SOCIAL NICETIES.

A fun Jackal response when you get, Huh?? is to respond as my father did by saying, "I can kick a pig in the ass and get a better answer than that."

To get beyond social niceties, say "I’m a little scared to say this, but I’d like a good connection , one that’s good for both of us. Would you be willing to use some different forms than the ones you usually use?" Huh? "Would you be willing to stick around long enough for me to tell you what I mean?"

Telling what’s really going on in us is a gift to others. When you asked what you did (how are you?), I was guessing you really wanted some connection. Is that so? So it was just a social greeting? Well, as a social greeting that’s fine. But when it never gets beyond that, then I get sad because I think there’s more to life. I’d like to know how you feel when you hear this. A couple interchanges are fine, but that’s about my limit and then I want to transform it or leave it."

Choose where to invest your energy. We can change any relationship that we want into one that’s life serving, but we don’t always want to put in that much energy. We choose when we want to do it. Sometimes I’ve said, "I need to get clear about whether you really want to hear... because right now I have a lot of crap going on within me, and I don’t know whether that’s what you want to hear." If they do want to know, then I’ll be glad to answer them. And a lot of the time they do.

Really, it’s rare not to want to know what goes on in the other person in relation to what you’ve shared with honesty. [A class participant said he’d heard of a general principle that states: don’t express your honesty if you’re not prepared to give the other person empathy for their reaction to what you expressed.]

CHANGING YOURSELF.

It’s a fundamental life decision to want presence and connection rather than superficial interchanges. Making such a decision brings up how much self empathy that requires, especially for things that get in the way.

When I first decided I wanted to live this way, I started taking notes of what was going through my mind from moment to moment. I filled a notebook in the first hour. The more we think in a Jackal way, the more strain it puts on our bodies. It was a flood of Jackal thoughts.

For each situation where I didn’t like my thinking about it, then I’d try to empathize with what was alive in me. I made a commitment to try to learn from each Jackal judgment and response I made.

I got aware of such deep pain and fear that was stimulated in me when I saw what I had done. And I realized how I would have liked to respond differently. Then I empathized with what the other person was feeling and needing.

Then I felt sad because I realized we probably didn’t have a real conflict, the strategies for meeting needs might be different, but the needs may not have been. If I can keep learning when I blow it, then whatever happens is a good experience.

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

It’s only when we get off the needs that we get estranged. The commonality is what we see at the moment, what is alive in the person at this moment., that’s the commonality. That’s different from talking about trying to find a commonality, which is a strategy. We don’t have to talk about it as a strategy, that’s setting it up as a goal. It’s the thought and strategy levels where the violence usually happens. When we stick with the needs, the commonality surfaces naturally.

JACKAL WORDS AND LABELS.

Exercise: Write down all the things that another person might tell you that you are , that you’re afraid that you might be. These are the world’s most frightening messages,, you are a bitch, selfish (on the top 10 world-wide judgment lists), a fake, a victim,..

Judgments. The only time a message (label) can scare us is if we think there is such a thing, and that such a thing is a disgrace. As a Giraffe, there is no verb TO BE in your consciousness — no one IS generous, normal, abnormal. There are only behaviors. So someone calling me a fake can only bother me if I think there is such a thing.

Limiting ourselves with labels. Any time you think of what you are, you lose, because the label limits you. For example, self esteem is something you feel at certain moments; at other moments you don’t, because life is a process, it’s continually changing. So saying, "I’m a wonderful person" is as useless as saying, "I’m a terrible person."

What does self esteem mean? I don’t think anyone has or doesn’t have it. I think there are moments when people feel it, but it’s not something I think we have. Two seconds later we can feel bad about ourselves. So any statement we make about ourselves in static language puts us in a casket, whether it’s a positive or negative judgment. I’m a wonderful person, I’m lovable, I’m unlovable. They all limit you.

Vague expressions. When you say "I wonder" it doesn’t clearly communicate what you want back. If you just want to say something and then don’t say "finished" at the end of it, it’s hard for others to know whether they have cut you off.

Confusing, dangerous words. There are several words we use that are dangerous because they could be either a need or a request. Acknowledgment is one of them. Appreciation. Acceptance. Respect. Recognition.

I’m worried because of what I see in domination structures. As Giraffes, we need different words and other language for our needs than these because the Jackal interpretations take one of our most important needs and trick us into trying to get the need met in a way that is very destructive to us.

Sometimes I would use the words the need for meaning, a need to contribute to life, to make life wonderful. Viktor Frankl says that by far the greatest need of humans is the need for meaning. Whether concentration camp prisoners lived seemed to depend on this need getting met.

The importance of feedback.

Confusing approval with feedback. Now, in domination cultures, people get educated to think that having the need for feedback fulfilled is the same as getting approval. This is where it gets complicated.

We need to get feedback from the other person to tell us whether our intent to serve life was successful. For instance, if I cook myself a meal, the feedback is instant. But if I cook for you, I need feedback as to whether I’ve succeeded in meeting my need to serve life by what I did.

In schools this has been perverted to working for the grades themselves. We get trained to work for the reward, not for honest feedback. If I enjoy negative feedback as much as positive, then I’m on the right track. I need to know whether I'm meeting my needs to serve life. If I think there’s such a thing as a good cook, then I’ll Jackal myself if I hear negative feedback. I don’t need a report card. I don’t need approval. And until I get feedback, I don’t know whether my need got met or not. This is a strategy.

Immediately, follow your need with a clear, present request. With any expression of pain or need, if we don’t follow it up with a clear request, it puts the other person in a real bind, especially if what I need is empathy. Guide people through the empathy you want. It can drive them crazy to give you what you don’t need when they don’t know what you need. So make those specific requests. "I need some response from you to let me know you care about me and what’s alive in me, and then I want to hear about what’s alive in you."

Love. I knew the word love didn’t mean warm, tender, cuddly feelings. That wasn’t what was meant by love in the world’s spiritual traditions. This led me over the years to see that the best way to my needs for love and those of others is to do a Giraffe dance, sharing what’s alive in me and hearing what’s alive in you.

For instance, saying, "If I could get these two things from you, it would meet my deep need for caring. When I openly express my feelings and needs to you, it would help if you would reflect back to me what you heard. It’s a big confirmation to hear that you understand. Then it would be a gift if I could get in touch with what your feelings and needs are when you hear what I say. If we could relate in that way, that would meet this need I have to feel cared about."

Be aware that feelings means to most people being manipulated with guilt trips, being blamed that your actions caused their unpleasant feelings.

Parents and children. There are no children in Giraffe, only humans with needs and feelings. We would never talk to neighbors like we talk to our own children.

Assumptions. We don’t assume. We always question the other person as to their need and feeling; and the other person is always the final authority of the accuracy.

We need the feedback because, as Giraffes, we can never meet our need at somebody else’s expense, and we won’t know whether we succeeded unless we get the feedback. If what we said or did wasn’t meeting the other person’s need, then we’ll pay for that in many ways if we were just doing something to meet our own needs. It doesn’t always have to be verbal feedback; it can be through body language, for instance. We may think we’re very giving, but we won’t know unless we check out with the recipients whether they felt given to.

EXERCISE: Take 5 minutes to come up with a need that might be hard to express. Then coach a person in your group who will play the role of the courageous giraffe who is going to express this need.

Coach this person on how to express the need in a Giraffe way. It could be an observation/feeling/need/request, or just the need. But be sure to follow up the expression of the need with a clear present request.

Think of what response we might fear getting back. Write a script for the challenging Jackal.

Coach the Giraffe role how to deal with this. Respond with empathy verbally or non-verbally, etc. Have at least 3 lines of dialogue.

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

Marshall gave feedback after a skit about only 2 people out of 7 getting to volunteer their ideas during the group process. A woman had given up her need to participate because she saw the urgency of the needs of the 2 people.

Never connect yourself with the other person’s pain. Just hear their need. Leave yourself out of the other person’s feelings and needs. Any time you throw pain at a Jackal without a clear present request, within a millisecond he’ll jump in.

What made the need demonstrated in this skit difficult to express? It was the need to balance one’s own need with those of the group members who also needed to be heard. In this case it was the time pressure, and also it had to do with taking away from the flow that other people seemed to be enjoying.

So there are two needs. Needs are never conflicting. When we say that, we are only saying that at the moment we aren’t seeing how both needs can be met. That leaves an opening. When you think in the way I’m suggesting, you’ll often find a way to get most needs met simultaneously. But often we’re not conscious of both needs, and so judge ourselves for having our personal need.

So say, Right now I’m torn because I have a need to keep on schedule and to hear the needs of everyone. Then decide which person at this moment do I want which reaction from ... that’s who I make the request to. Say, I’d like to see a show of hands of those who feel as I do or share my concern. Then maybe ask for a show of hands of anyone who would not be willing to move to the next step. This gives respect to everyone.

If you give up or give in at any time, then that’s cruel to the other people because they will pay for it. Your body will tell you whether you’ve given up or given in.

DOGGING FOR YOUR NEEDS.

You have to know how to dog for your needs. Marshall used the Jackal puppet poking him in the chest as an example of continuing to pester like a dog who wants to be petted. Pretty soon he was petting the dog and enjoying it.

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

DEMANDS V. REQUESTS.

But don’t get addicted to your "requests." Your objective is needs, not requests. Because then it becomes a demand.

The objective of Giraffe is never to get what we want. It’s the development of a quality of connection that allows everyone’s needs to get met. If I can’t give fully without resentment, it’s probably better to keep moving.

BULLSHIT IN GIRAFFE.

The next skit was about a wife confronting her husband with possible infidelity. He said, "how could you not trust me?" This is a good chance to practice bullshit in Giraffe.

A group participant went first to telling her feelings. She said, "I’m feeling distrustful, the lipstick on your shirt doesn’t resonate with what you’re telling me."

Marshall said that first we need to establish connection. So first, go for the empathy. He suggested: "I’d like you to tell me if you have any fear about telling me what really happened. I’m having a hard time making sense out of what I see, and it would be a great relief to me if you could tell me what was going on. It would be a relief to me to have that honesty." That way gives a better chance that your feelings and needs will get heard, rather than the person hearing an attack and defending against his internal Jackal guilt.

EMERGENCY FIRST AID EMPATHY.

Also, this Giraffe stepped back and gave herself empathy by inwardly saying, "am I supposed to believe this crock of shit?"

SCREAM IN GIRAFFE.

Another possibility is to scream in Giraffe, "I’m filled with fear, and it would be a big gift if you would just listen to what I have to say and feed back to me what you hear me say."

TIMEOUT.

If that would make matters worse, then I call for time out and rush to the phone for my Giraffe empathy team to help me deal with the fear, hurt, anger and other stuff going on inside me.

Stop and list all the things you’re saying to yourself about the situation. Then take a breath and decide how much of the pain is related to your need (losing a relationship, losing your life to terminal illness, whatever), and how much is a result of your Jackal show about it (e.g., it isn’t fair after all the work I’ve done taking care of myself, etc.) instead of mourning the loss, feeling the sweet suffering.

It’s the Mormon Taberjackal Choir — the Jackal show. What’s worse than that is Jackaling yourself for Jackaling yourself... the Jackal hall of mirrors.

The next skit was about a person who agrees to make dinner and then doesn’t.

Marshall’s feedback: As soon as you say, "are you feeling X because I,." Then the Jackal starts to salivate because he can educate the person that he’s the cause of his pain. What need of his isn’t getting met? It’s the need for trust and reliability when an agreement is made (leave yourself out of it).

COMMITMENTS. Giraffes know that any time you make a commitment it’s not true, it’s only your intention at the moment. You want to be clear about that. You don’t know that you won’t die between now and then. So if my intention changes, I will be willing to tell you.

The point is that the other person will pay any time I do something out of a sense of obligation. Be sure to phrase to yourself, I am choosing to do this thing because I want to, This doesn’t say anything about whether we like it, only that we want to. I may not like the choice I have to make, but I still have choices in every situation. I can still plan. My thinking cannot be controlled. For instance, we may get on the train to the concentration camp as an alternate to being shot on the spot. It’s not a choice I like; but it is a choice. The way I think about my experience after being raped is my choice. Some choose to feel shame and self blame, which isn’t productive in the sense that it doesn’t contribute to enriching life.

There’s a Gary Larson cartoon of two guys in chains hanging on a dungeon wall. One says to the other, "so here’s my plan."

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

ALWAYS MAKE CONNECTION FIRST!

Acknowledge the other person. "Thank you for telling me what you heard. I’d like you to hear me differently." One of the big problems in conflict resolution is they get into the strategy immediately without making the connection first. They are saying there’s a conflict of needs, when really it’s a conflict of strategies. Don’t even think strategy until we’re connected at the heart level.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I once asked my 3-year old son if he knew why Dad loved him. He said, "because I do thus and so?" After a couple of guesses, he asked for the answer. I said, "Dad loves you just because you’re you." That became a touchstone between us, even with humor, throughout the boy’s growing up years.

Unconditional love means I show the same respect to a no as a yes. The person gets the same quality from me, the same empathy. It doesn’t mean I agree or like what I hear, but the person is free from any judgment from me. It’s a way to love that I can really do.

Remember the standby approach: From what I’ve just expressed, I’d like you to tell me if you heard any criticism. If so, I’d like you to tell me what I could have said that would have told you my message without your hearing criticism.

GIRAFFE MOURNING.

Giraffe mourning helps us learn, but apology implies there is such a thing as doing something wrong. Throughout our life we do things we wouldn’t do if we knew then what we will learn later.

I start with the assumption that drug and alcohol users are meeting their needs in the best way they know how. Instead of trying to change them, I explore with them other means to meet their needs in ways that are more fun and less costly. Their inner Jackal is the biggest problem, that’s why they stop then start again. They get overcome from their self Jackaling and their "shoulding." With that kind of thinking, there is a war going on inside. Once the person is very clear about the needs, there are many other methods to meet the needs that are more fun and less costly. It’s the inner Jackal that makes the behavior an addiction. Dealing with the chemical problems in the body is not the big problem.

Whatever their needs, you won’t see anything strange because you have those needs, too. For instance, the need for community. All you have to do to be part of a community is buy everyone a round at a tavern. My father loved AA meetings even though he didn’t drink — it was the sense of community he loved. The needs are reduction of anxiety, to relax; to express oneself (drinking puts the inner Jackal to sleep so the person can open up). So instead of getting drunk, find or form a Giraffe community. Why spend all that money? Giraffes are cheap!

PUNISHMENT.

Around the world I see people who say all they live for is to punish the bad people. What is the need? When we think we want punishment, we’ve been distorted by our culture into thinking our need for empathy is changed into "teaching them a lesson." It’s a distorted need for empathy, wanting the person to know how you have suffered.

If we ask two questions, we can see punishment never works at any level.

• #1 — What do we want the other person to do? Using only that question tricks us into thinking punishment will work.
• #2 — What do we want the other person’s reasons to be for doing what we ask them to do? Punishment only teaches violence. If we have the basic belief that people are evil, then we also believe we have to teach them to suffer to learn a lesson. Guilt, shame, reward or punishment has a high cost which we will eventually pay.

I had a situation with my young son about swimming alone in the ocean. I told him, "I’m scared about anyone swimming alone. I have a need for your safety."

"I can swim."

"You want some respect for your ability to swim?"

"Yeah."

"I’m not sure you’re hearing my need for your safety, for anybody’s safety."

"Well, I can swim."

So we went back and forth until he saw my need without connecting it to my not trusting him, trusting that he can swim, that anyone can get a cramp no matter how well they swim. I helped him to see my need separate from criticism of his ability to swim well. He needed to hear that he had my respect for his swimming ability.

PROTECTIVE USE OF FORCE.

Protective use of force is necessary if the other person is not willing to engage in dialogue (or there isn’t time in an immediate situation), and during that time a vital need of mine is being endangered. In that situation I’ll use force to protect myself, my interests. Giraffes always do things only for themselves, not for other people.

For instance, my children — I had a big investment in my kids, so when I saw them running in a busy street I grabbed them to protect my investment in their well being. So I said, "if I see you running I will put you in the yard." This was nonnegotiable. I didn't hit them, but I grabbed them.

In Sweden there is a Giraffe prison which is a protective use of force until the person finds a way to behave that will get everyone’s needs met. After that, he can safely return to the community.

EXERCISE: Write down your most frequent judgment that you use. Make an inventory of your most frequently used Jackal judgments, then identify the stimulus. Get the stimulus clear. Then put Giraffe ears on and ask what needs of yours are being expressed through those judgments. Translate them into needs, that’s what they are.

As long as I’m thinking a person is wrong and needs to be punished, I’m part of the problem. Whoever does behavior like molesting children isn’t any different than you and I. They’re trying to meet needs. They know what they do doesn’t meet some basic human needs of theirs, but their other needs overrule that.

PUNITIVE FORCE v. PROTECTIVE FORCE.

There are two ways to differentiate between protective use of force and punitive force. What is the thinking?

• If there is any thinking involving an enemy, then it’s punitive. The same if the intent is for the other person to suffer.
• If the intention is only to protect my own need, then it’s justified. That’s the only time force is justified. I must have no desire to make the other person suffer.

So I sure want to use force to stop the molesting of children, and I want confinement of the person until we can get them to see their need and a way to meet it in a way that doesn’t hurt others.

I’m reading a book right now called "Spirit Matters" by M. Lerner. It’s about people who think they’re in touch with their needs but have them mixed up with cultural strategies. It’s really not a need, but what has been educated via the culture — like status, approval, national security.

We all want power, but have associated it with something dirty and ugly because of how often strategies to exercise it are hurtful. The power to be able to affect things is basic to life. Some control over our environment is a very important need. But how that power is often used is what gives it a dirty name.

As long as you have an enemy image in your head, your objective will be hard to accomplish. And your political power is weakened. In some places in the world we are asked to teach the police how to use protective use of force in a Giraffe way rather than with guns and gas. Then they can intervene in a Giraffe way.

HOW TO MEDIATE.

Person A and Person B have some strong needs. To apply Giraffe in this situation you need the following skills. I’ll show you at full speed first, and then we’ll slow it down. (Marshall demonstrates, using the puppets and mouth noises. In quick succession, he pinches the Jackal’s mouth shut, pfft, then he pulls it by the ear, pffzt. Laughter.)

Here are the skills:

1. First, being able to translate any Jackal message into a need, because these people aren’t going to be able to express this very well. You know how to do that with your Giraffe ears. If they say, "stay out of this," you empathize with that.
2. Next, you need to be able to pull Jackals by the ears to hear what the other person is saying. "Excuse me, hold it, slow down. Can you tell me what the other person’s needs are?"
3. You need to be able to use 1^st aid self empathy when the Jackal tries to bite you when you try to pull them by the ears.
4. And you need to know how to say shut up in Giraffe.

Sometimes we have to do what I call sticking my nose in other people’s business. I express my needs to have people get their needs clear and have the other people hear them. I need this because I’m tired of hearing continuous squabbling or having people getting killed.

I like to hear what needs are going on that aren’t being met. Of course if people are killing each other, they’re not in touch with their needs. The same things with parents and children.

I translate each message into a need, help the other side to hear it, pull the other side by the ears, and finally the situation solves itself. I’m not saying it goes immediately. It might take me two hours just to get the needs out in the open.

Pulling a Jackal by the ears means what I did in Nigeria.

"These people are murderers."

"Sir, are you saying you have a need for safety and some ways to resolve these issues?"

"Would someone from the other side of the table repeat what this man just said?"

The next man shouts back, "then why did you kill my child?"

"Excuse me sir, before you react, would you just tell me what his needs are."

 

PULLING A JACKAL BY THE EARS.

There are two steps to pulling a person by the ears.

1. Excuse me, excuse me, sir, (i.e., stop!)
2. Before you react, would you please tell me what the other person said.

If the person is in too much pain to be able to stop and just keeps shouting, then I give him some empathy.

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

DISTINGUISHING STRATEGIES FROM NEEDS.

•  

  • Strategy. A strategy is a way to meet a need and deals with specific people being asked for specific things.

•  
  • Need. Needs contain no reference to specific people taking action. All human beings have the same needs. So "I need you to," is not a need because not everyone needs that person to do something.

A "male-chauvinist-pig" judgment situation was described, and Marshall modeled a response: "When I hear you say that, I feel a sort of sick, angry feeling inside, scared, angry, a whole lot of stuff, because that doesn’t meet my need when you say/do that. Now, can you tell me what you heard me say?"

After they reflect my feeling, I say the need, "I have a need for women to be respected, and my need isn=91t met by that discussion."

As long as you have an enemy image, your chances of getting your needs met are not very good because you’ll provoke the kind of behavior you don’t want.

So what do you tell yourself? It’s not fair, etc. How do you translate that into a need? I have a need for people to be treated fairly. When you get in touch with that need, how do you feel? I feel sad it’s not happening. Now you’re ready to open your mouth and go in. Sad tells us we’re connected to our needs.

So you say, when I see this differential handling of situations, I feel really sad because I have a need for equality in this situation. I’d like you to tell me if you would be willing to change our structure so there is an equal response to both people.

Assuming that you start that way, how does this person react? He’ll say, well it has nothing to do with what sex the person is, nothing whatsoever. It’s unfair of you to make any assumptions. I have a job to do and I want to do it well. Anyone who knows me sees I don’t discriminate. I can’t be bothered when people are sensitive about everything little thing that comes along.

So now what do you say? I sense that you have a need for integrity.

Yes, that’s right. And anyone who knows my record knows I’m fair to people.

(Do some quick empathy inside, because your inner reaction of course is "bullshit").
Be sure you empathize.. this is where the person needs the most empathy. So you’re feeling really annoyed because you need recognition for your efforts to treat everyone equitably.

That’s right, and its just you who complains. If its not one thing its another.

Empathizing doesn’t mean you have to agree with him, you just have to recognize and empathize with his human needs. Then you say, I’m annoyed when I hear you say that because I can give several examples where that looked different to me.

A woman who studied with Marshall was in a meeting with him with "MC pigs" and did a beautiful job when she was provoked by their language and statements. As she starts to flush and steam, she exclaims, Time out! She turns aside and gives herself some emergency first aid empathy. Then she turns back. OK sir, but I need you to know what I feel when you say that. He puts his hand on her knee and says, Listen girlie, don’t be so sensitive. She hotly pushes his hand aside and again says loudly, Time out! Then she turns back and says, I want you to hear how I feel when you do that! But I , Stop! I want you to hear what I have to say.

• ESSENTIAL NVC PRINCIPLE

Giraffe requires consciousness. One of the central concepts is interdependence, to see that our well-being has to do with the well-being of others.

Naturally, this also includes the environment. Anything that harms the environment doesn’t meet our needs. When we really know what the world is all about, we bleed if someone breaks the branch of a tree.

I feel very heartened by some powerful Giraffes who are trying to make this point. "Spirit Matters" makes very clear how we have to see that our well-being and the environment are one and the same, and any other social change won’t work if we don’t see that.

Korten wrote "Post Corporate World" about governing structures being set up to be patterned on living systems.

Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org